I was supposed to train with a guy named Tyrone today, but he called in sick and no one called to tell me this, so I got stuck with a newbie trainer.  It was this kid’s first day.  He showed up at LA to workout, not train, 10 minutes before my session was supposed to start.  So, they threw him with me since my boy didn’t show up.  Great.  A few trinkets from our half hour of fun:

The kid can’t count for shiznit.  He’s either one rep slower or faster than I am.  At all times.  I found it funny when he asked what my profession was.  I told him I was an accountant.  He said, “mad props to you cause that’s something I could never do”.  Really.  You don’t say.
Throughout our 3 hour, I mean 30 minute session, he makes it a point to work with me on my breathing.  Exhale when I push up, inhale on the way down, etc.  Over the course of 5 exercises, 3 sets of 15 reps each, I have a kid who obviously doesn’t believe in gum or breath mints, over-exaggerating his breaths, in my face no less, to get me to remember to breath.  It was literally like a dragon breathing rank fire into my face.  I tried to chew my Trident Tropical Twist as fast as I could to promote some citrus-y scents into the air.  It was only to his benefit though.
My “favorite” part of our session was when he was explaining to me how to do tricep dips.  Like the ridiculously hard kind where you hold on to two bars and lower your body down (without touching the ground) and then push yourself up.  He says and I quote, “you want to slowly lower yourself down like this until the handlebars are at nipple level”.  No.  Surely he did not use the word nipple.  ICK.  Chest, mid back, “about here”…all those words would suffice.  Just don’t say the N word. 
After almost 40 minutes had passed (this kid didn’t believe in a watch either) I had lost my cool.  He sucked.  I was in a bad mood and starting to get hungry.  I point blank asked how much longer this is going because I need to get on with my cardio and go home.  He stuttered for a bit and within 10 seconds we were walking opposite directions.  Phew.  Poor kid…it was only his first day.  On the otherhand, I just paid 30 dollars for a bad mood.